new york, new york
by isinkintohearts
Summary: She forced herself to laugh, which came out sounding like a strangled sob, and plastered her usual smirk on her face. She would joke about it, like she always did with everything that mattered. Five years later. Sam/Freddie.


_I could lose my heart tonight_

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><p>She looked around. The room was enormous and even bigger than she had expected. Everything was a pristine white, the walls lined with intricate designs in beige. There was a larger-than-life Victorian staircase across the room, leading to more beautifully designed rooms. She was transfixed at the sight – she couldn't stop staring.<p>

"Beautiful," she said rather breathlessly. Everything from the architecture to the people and the _class _was just beautiful.

"Don't look so surprised, eh?" A voice to her right said in its rich, Russian accent. She reluctantly turned away from the ballroom and looked for where the voice came from, and only blinked in surprise when she remembered than she came here for him, and that this wasn't really an event she was invited to.

"Shut up, Alex," she said, restraining herself from giving him a good ol' friendly punch and instead settled with pinching him on the arm she was clutching.

"Ow," he groaned, but apparently the pain didn't hurt enough for him to pull away. He muttered something under his breath about girls, but she couldn't care less. Alex was one of her good friends from college. Looking back, that was a time when she put in a lot of effort at being nice, but it was only because she was in a new place where no one knew her and there weren't any labels on her – in short, it was the best place for a new start. Studying and being friendly soon became priorities, and her natural aversion to violence had lessened. It payed off pretty well – teachers and students liked her, and she was pretty popular then.

Alex, coincidentally, was in most her classes, and _at the same time_, and with the way he bugged her in every class touching her hair and telling her how naturally beautiful her 'tresses' were, well, it was pretty hard to avoid him.

"We are at a formal party, Sam. You're here because we're friends and I don't have a date," he reminded her, dragging out his _t_. "We only have to make an appearance and then you can go and continue gawking at everything you see or dance or whatever you would like to do."

She looked back to the middle of the room where people were talking and laughing boisterously, yet still managing to sounding classy – a younger version of her would have puked at how everyone was so polite and formal, but now, now that she was older, and wiser – now that she had seen the world in lots of new ways – she just felt as though she was on stage, acting as if she was in a party during the 20s – with people wearing feathered hats and girls in their dainty little dresses and boys so neat and gentlemanly-looking in their black tuxes.

She had to admit, this was a nice place, and she _did_ want to be here, but she wanted to ask anyway. "Why am I here again? What happened to your boyfriend?"

"If only you had listened to me a few nights ago," he hissed into her ear, "you would've heard me telling you that I think my boss is homophobic. I do not want to lose my job, no," he shook his head sadly, "even if it means not being here with Jack." He looked over at her unsympathetic and even _bored_ expression, and outsretched the arm she wasn't holding on to towards the dance floor where everyone was conversing with one another.

"Shall we go?" He asked her. She took a deep breath and tightened her grip on his arm. "Let's go."

The moment they were on the floor, Alex was greeted with _hi_s and _hello_s and even _I didn't know you still worked for Pear_. There were also kisses and hugs and also _is this your girlfriend_s, and everyone gave her one look over and nodded in approval, but he only replied with _no, she's just a friend_, and then added for the guys, _she's totally single_. She rolled her eyes every single time, resisting the urge to hurt him in any way and instead wondering what she would do to him once they went home to their shared apartment. Right now she was torn between feeding him to the neighbor's rabid dogs or shoving all the extra paint the theatre had left after painting sets of King Lear down his throat. Small talk between Alex and the other company workers went on until a loud voice from above started talking.

"Ladies and gentlemen, workers of the Pear, good evening, one and all," the booming voice started, and everyone dutifully turned to face the large stairway, where a man stood on top with his wife in one hand and a drink in the other.

"You are all here for our annual celebration of our success – and also, as you know, the success of the PearMat! We have sold over two million mats over the first week, and that is definitely something to be proud of! Applaud yourselves, my workers!" Everyone started clapping, smiling and nodding to their fellow workers meaningfully. The man went on about company successes Sam couldn't really care less about, and then they toasted to their future successes, and soon after everyone was talking to one another once again. People had come to her and Alex talking about computations and shares and blah blah blah – she decided she'd had enough tech talk for the day, and so she excused herself and told Alex she'd get herself a drink from the bar.

When she got to the bar, however, she realized that she didn't really want a drink and had just left Alex because she didn't want to socialize anymore. She waved the bartender off and leant her back against the counter, deciding to watch the festivities ensue instead.

She looked at the swarm of people in the middle of the room, hoping to find someone she actually knew. Not that she had geeky friends who ended up working at Pear, but who knew. There were people in every shape and size, skinny and fleshy and redheads and blondes and brunettes, and she swore she even saw someone with purple hair. There were also dresses of a variety of lengths and colors – party dresses, night gowns, stripper 'fuck me' dresses, wedding dresses with trails as long as Princess Di's – all in hot pink, the classic white, beige, black, teal, and even a green shade of cat vomit. Yuck.

She looked down at what she was wearing. It was a strapless blue dress the same shade of the dress she had worn in that wedding with the crazy woman who was in love with Spencer so many years ago. The dress fanned out till just above her knees, and she wore navy blue heels. She looked down at her hair, her wavy hair – Alex couldn't resist trying to straighten it an hour before the event – and even though it ended up wavy, she had to admit it looked good. She smiled to herself and then looked up, and suddenly everything around her stopped.

It was as if everyone on the floor had cleared the way in the middle so that she immediately saw him. Her blue eyes connected with his brown ones, and she couldn't help the surprise that crossed her features.

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><p><em>If you don't turn and walk away<em>

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><p>Right in front of him was a clear path toward her – wait, no, this couldn't be true. She hadn't even taken a sip of any drink yet, and her eyes were already playing tricks on her! She turned back to the bartender and asked for "a shot of the strongest thing you've got," and he served it to her right away, and without hesitating she threw her head back and swallowed it all up in one quick gulp, setting the shot glass back on the counter rather loudly. She turned back and he was still there – except this time, he was much closer. He was making his way to her, and all her intelligent thoughts went out the window, leaving her with <em>what the heck is he doing here<em> on repeat in her head.

She slouched with her back against the counter, sighing dramatically and playing with her hair, trying not to look like she felt, which was panicked. Soon there was a pair of shiny black shoes in front of her, and a voice asking her: "May I have this dance?"

She looked up at him, pretending to look bored, and when she met his brown eyes once again, she accepted the fact that, yes, she really was meeting Freddie Benson here and now. She sighed to herself once again and looked at the hand he had out for her to take.

"Sure," she told him reluctantly, putting her hand in his. Her heart started beating just a little faster, and as he pulled her onto the dance floor, she realized the lights were dim and that a slow song was playing. If she hadn't known any better, she would've thought that the song wasn't romantic at all – but no, _Running Away _just had to be on, and she mentally cursed whoever was in charge of the music for playing an approximately-ten-year old song no one even knew about.

One of his hands was on the small of her back, the other still holding one of hers. She put her other hand on his shoulder, and they slow danced like that for a while.

The silence was unbearable, and the only thing she could hear was the lyrics to the song and her heartbeat thrumming loudly against her ears. She couldn't believe that after such a long time, after she'd left Seattle without so much as a goodbye to him, he could still make her feel this way. Sure, they were never together, but her one-sided love and their growing friendship then had burned brightly. Why had she left in the first place? She couldn't remember…

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><p>'<em>Cause the way I feel I might<em>

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><p>"Samantha Puckett at a Pear party? Come on, Sam. Don't tell me you work for Pear."<p>

She scoffed, then smiled, trying to hide the fact that his voice – which had gotten lower and muskier – made butterflies fly around her stomach both nervously and giddily. "You know me too well, Benson. Of course I don't work for Pear. I'm just someone's date." She regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. God, what would he think of that? Would he think she was dating whoever her date was? She didn't want to tell him that she wasn't, but she didn't want him to think that she wasn't single, either! And besides, Alex was gay! Ugh, her head hurt from thinking. This was why she didn't like to think, because it made things easier that way. They swayed for a while more in silence. Her heart started picking up its pace once again, and she felt her whole body shake in nervousness at what she was about to ask.

"What about you? Don't you have a date?"

He looked up at her in silent surprise, eyes just a little wide. He was chewing on his lower lip and looking at her with such innocent-looking eyes. She didn't know what to interpret from his expression. Was he trying to think of a nice way to tell her that he was – as she expected him to be – taken? Or was she thinking too much and reading too much into –

"Oh, yeah, I do," he told her, nudging his head to the left, and she followed his gaze. There, standing around a group of well-groomed men, was a woman in a peach-colored dress. She looked like a younger version of Natalie Portman, looked like Natalie back when _Black Swan_ was her biggest break.

Her chest tightened. _Natalie Portman wasn't that beautiful_…ugh, scratch that, Natalie was beautiful, and so was this woman. She was definitely more beautiful than Sam. How could she compete with that? She turned her gaze away and continued to dance stiffly with Freddie, eyes down, feeling a mix of anger, disappointment – directed mostly at herself – and sadness bubble up inside her.

"I came with her because we both didn't have anyone to bring, and we thought, since we both worked for Pear, why not?"

She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. So he _wasn't _dating her. They were only colleagues. Why had she been jealous, anyway? It wasn't like she was planning on taking Freddie as her own...God, she was thinking of him too much. She shouldn't! She didn't want to…

His one hand on her back pulled her just the slightest bit closer to him, and she looked up at him, eyes unguarded, in surprise.

"Why did you leave, Sam?"

Was it her ears playing tricks on her, or did he sound kind of… sad? It didn't help that she was staring into his eyes, which showed so much sadness, confusion, and… betrayal. She immediately felt guilty for leaving, surprising even herself. Since she'd left five years ago, she had never looked back or regretted her decision. And now she was feeling bad because of him? When he was part of the reason she left?

She forced herself to laugh, which came out sounding like a strangled sob, and plastered her usual smirk on her face. She would joke about it, like she always did with everything that mattered. "Guess I didn't want to see your nubby face anymore."

He took several steps back, letting go of her and looking like he'd been slapped. He was mad at her. Of course he was. She was pretty angry at herself too, but she did what she had to do… And now she was going to get yelled at and embarrassed in such a public place. _Whatever_, she thought, closing her eyes for a moment, _I deserve it. _She opened her eyes and tried her best to look unfazed.

"You know what?" He started, and he wasn't speaking loud enough for the people around them to hear, _thank God_. "You're unbelievable." He said it with such distaste and disgust, and his words were like a knife to her heart. "I thought that after five years you would've changed, but I guess I was wrong." The knife just plunged deeper and deeper with each word, until she felt like she couldn't breathe anymore. He turned to walk away and –

"Wait," she croaked. She had left Seattle, left Freddie, and now that she found him, was she really going to let him go again? He stopped, back still turned on her.

"I'm sorry. Dance with me?" She asked hopefully. Could he give her a second chance?

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><p><em>Lose control, and let you stay<em>

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><p>He stood there for a moment before sighing audibly and turning around and walking towards her again. She tried to get him to look at her, but he kept looking down and wrapped both arms around her waist, and pulling her even closer to him. She was surprised, to say the least – he was obviously angry at her, and yet here he was, arms around her, holding her rather <em>possessively<em>. She put her arms around his neck and they swayed from side to side, silence engulfing them once again.

"I just felt like I had to get away," she whispered, staring at her feet as they swayed. _Felt like I had to get away from everyone, from you. I needed to forget you._ She could feel his gaze burning into her. "I felt like I had to go somewhere and start over. And New York… everything is here, you know?" She knew he didn't understand, but decided against elaborating. They continued to move as another track came on.

"Why did you need to start over? It never even crossed my mind that you would leave, Sam." He shook his head slightly, and she hung her head even lower in shame. "After we graduated, I thought that everything would be sunny and blue skies. But then you left without saying goodbye…" He continued to shake his head at the memories, "I never saw it coming."

She sighed. Explaining would be useless, but she knew she should try. "I needed to start over somewhere no one knew me. No one would think of me as a juvenile, no one would think of me as that bully with red marker all over her permanent record. And since we graduated, I felt this outward force pulling me somewhere I could be bigger and greater… and I ended up in New York." She smiled slightly, finally looking up at him. "NYC has always been a dream." And it always had been. She and Melanie had spent countless nights from their childhood dreaming of bright lights and fashion and Broadway. Since she had come here, she felt like everything was surreal and like she was living a dream.

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><p>'<em>Cause I could take you in my arms<em>

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><p>There was a sparkle in her eyes and she knew he saw it, and he tightened his hold around her waist and smiled back as if he was happy for her. Maybe he was.<p>

"So what do you do for a living here? You already know I work for Pear… but I've only worked for Pear New York since I was moved here last year. What about you? How are you 'living your dream'?"

They were smiling at each other, and she was just happy that they were on good terms again. The thought of her New York City dream made her giddy, and she couldn't help the wide smile on her face. "I majored in arts and minored in journalism," she told him, pushing him a little when she saw one of his eyebrows raise in question. "Yeah yeah, you're shocked and all. But I've never been the predictable type, have I?" She smirked, and then went on, "So I write articles for online sites, act on Broadway… I mean, off-Broadway. No, I mean, off-off-Broadway. It doesn't really matter because I love acting, and theatre is great. I also sing at one of the clubs downtown…" She mentally facepalmed herself. Why did she have to mention that she also sang? He was never going to let this go, she was sure.

But surprisingly, he only smiled. In surprise or happiness for her or sadness, she didn't know. "Wow, I guess there really is a lot I don't know about you."

She didn't really know what to say to that. They settled into a comfortable silence as _Something_ by The Beatles started playing. He pulled her even closer and she leaned forward on him, their heads side by side and their bodies pushed close against each other.

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><p><em>And never let you go<em>

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><p>Behind Freddie, a few feet away, she spotted Alex, standing against a wall with a glass of champagne in his hand, and looking very unhappy. She hated how this was <em>his<em> party and yet she was the one having a good time. He looked around and spotted her, and when he saw she was dancing with someone, he started winking and giving her thumbs ups. She gave him a little, half-hearted smile, and then tore her gaze away from his, ignoring him and the rest of his confusing signals. She bit down on her lip, uneasy. Sure, she was having fun and was glad to see one of her old best friends again, but finding him again was definitely a surprise. She thought she'd never see him again, and now that she had, old feelings started to emerge out of where she'd hidden them for years.

Earlier she thought her feelings had changed, but now she realized that they never went away and she just sort of ignored them, failing at trying to forget and instead just pretending to be oblivious to the memories and feelings that came to haunt her. Right now, dancing to her most favorite song ever with him in a beautiful room with the lights dimmed into a dark shade of purple, she knew. She just knew. And she bit on her lip harder, because this wasn't a part of her plan.

Falling in love with Freddie Benson again definitely wasn't part of her plan.

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><p><em>I could fall in love with you<em>

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><p><em><strong>AN: Okay, can I just say that I love this song so much. Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly or I Could Fall In Love by Selena.**_


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